Tuesday, 12 April 2011
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I AM SO INSECURE.
DOES ANYONE REALLY CARE THOUGH?DOES ANYONE REALLY READ?
DOES ANYONE REALLY WONDER?
Why bother? I bet you never even read the first page.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
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Did I give up on myself that day? What was that?
My body was cold. For days, I knew it wasn't going to happen didn't I?
I never took it seriously. Haven't really actually thought about it in months.
Just glances back. But, never contemplation.What ever did happen that night? That morning? The days pervious? Weeks? When did absolute necessity turn into .. fear and apprehension?
It wasn't like middle school when we talked about the science fair, "I'm still sorry about that, Sara."
It wasn't like only belaying on the ropes course. Cause I'm good at it. Why push limits?
It wasn't like free ice cream, that you eat half of and throw away--cause really you only wanted a taste, and you're not wasting your money.It was, over a year of planning.
It was, MONEY.
It was physical relief I could never imagine. And apparently never will.
It was physical pain, I could never imagine, and hopefully never will?
It was 8-10 years of waiting, wondering, hoping...could this be real?
It was THREE mornings a week I could have slept in till noon, that I got up early to go to PT to prove to the fucking insurance companies I really couldn't just fix my back.It is waking up every morning and knowing I've got to carry this weight with me EVERY step of the way.
It is the t-shirts I'll probably never be able to wear again, and not because I'm fat.
It is all the activities that just hurt too much because: I can't bend that way. My body doesn't work that way.
It is all of the activities that I can't really do, because: they are IN THE WAY.
It is wearing bras that would make old woman feel OLD.
It is knowing I'll never look in the mirror and see the person that's inside of me.
It is knowing that I'll always ever only be the girl with the big tits.
And do think that was something I was scared of loosing.
It could have been freedom.
It could have been health.
It could have been activity.
It could have been sports. Involvement.
Comfort.
Ability.
A reason to try to make the rest of me healthy.
Self-esteem.
Self.
I could be, me. Not her, always. Just me. Always.
I'd have had that option.But something tells me I knew it would never happen. Something tells me that as I laid there next to my sweetheart and glanced from her body to mine comparing size. . . I knew I'd never be smaller. I knew I'd never be any different than I am. Something tells me I knew that. I knew long before the piss in the cup and the scratchy paper gown, and the little blue plastic cup for my gauges and earings... Long before I signed the papers they would never use... I knew didn't I? Because I'll never be happy. I'm not allowed. Fear is too strong.
Because what if...
...my body got infected.
...I couldn't take the pain.
...my back still hurt.
...I still felt miserable in my body.
...I got cancer from the medicines and incisions and invasions of my body.
...something went wrong. Really wrong.
...what if I lost them all.
...what if I had to come back.
...what if my organs were damaged.
...what if the anesthesia didn't work and I felt everything.
...what if I was still unhealthy and unmotivated.
...what if I died.
...what if no one liked me anymore.
...what if I wasn't supposed to do this.
...what if the cigarettes really do make me not heal right.
...what if the ibuprofen i accidentally took last week messes up the meds.
...what if my mom sees my tattoo.
...what if I'm not me anymore.I was just making everyone sad that week. What if there had been a major complication and I had died that day. No one would have known how I really felt. Maybe I'm not that important but I sure felt bad at the time. What about the drinking on new years? The cold I had... The sleep I didn't.
But still. Who knows. Maybe I'd be unreachable right now if I'd have done it. Maybe I'd be so happy. So confident, so healthy. Or maybe I would be dead. Maybe that is what was supposed to have happened.
This is only the surface. I can't help but think about it though. There are layers, the important ones really, to this ... that are so deep, I don't even know them. I really wish I could comprehend this at all though. How did this happen? How did I want something like that for so long and then just walk away. Literally. I don't understand it. At all.
Friday, 25 March 2011
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you could be the love of my life.
There's a pink burning in the sky against the dark of falling night.
I can see it silhouetting the trees, dusting off their textures until they inevitably become
solid and whole with the night.But she is not here yet and the sky attempts a patriotic salute to a glorious early spring evening.
Lavender though, pressed between the golden cream of leftover sun,
reflections in the soggy air drifting up there, replaces any sense of blue.
So instead it is a holy painters rendition of good night.The pink is calm now. A water color stroke on the damp pale sky behind.
The windows glow, rigid portals to this delicate show. The room, inside, becomes a solid clump of grays.
Cool grays. Cool air. Doesn't move inside. But I can hear it pushing on the walls.
And as if on command, there it is: the tapping of the heat inside the little machines against the floor.Outside, the glow is replaced with saturation. The peach of sherbet. The pink of strawberry smoothies on freshman nights.
All nestled against the lavender, lilac, blue berry clouds. These are the colors of the song inside.
These harmonious friends, are the chords to the choir songs on his guitar.The hill is low against the sky. It's purple grey will be the first to slip into the night. But she'll press against this vision until it's time.
In the yard of friends and familiar smells. In the cigarette soft burn, puff left on my fabric's edges,
the images are.The night is in awe of herself. And slow to retire and I think of you. Mud, grit and braun.
Passion is the soul of it, the root of it all. Its what you have, it's yours, this impact. This harsh snap,
quick break. Adrenaline instead of blood.The meaty pink sky sucks from its neighbors all the heat it can muster. It makes a sharp edge against the clouds that remind her: everyone is losing light.
The peach turns green blue green, pale, cold, and nearly translucent. Fading somewhere above me, behind me, beyond the other horizons ever slowly ever steadily into the coming night.The color will disappear soon. All of it. The sun will pull herself away from here, will stop glancing back at today. Stop stealing kisses from the moon.
The light isn't so warm anymore. And I wonder what dialogue your sky is carrying on.
My mind is soft.And with the flip of a switch, the night will come quick now. Electric light bouncing back against panes of glass.
I wonder, have they flooded your cold field? Is there white, bright light pulsating around you. Around your steaming skin. I wish I could send my sky to you. I wish you could see this, blueberry neapolitan night. But your eyes are fixed I'm sure.Flirting with strangers, jerseys, goosebumps, skin firing sensations grass bending against breaking skin and jarring bones.
Bodies crashing, choreographed, against the ground and each other. Muscles exerting energy forcing
Brain firing. Think quick. Move quick. Hit quick.The trees are just pillars to the sky. Every forest turning into greek monuments. Symmetry is deeper than what the eye can see.
The blue returns to the sky, above the gold and copper-green. It is the wave a sea of blue black velvet night is stretching.
Is the night with you yet? Would you even notice what it was. Voices calling bodies bodies, stomaches flipping. So much.
So much.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
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to be desired
What would it take to be desired? To be waited for, and fought for? With the same passion and impatience that I wait for responses from her. That I loved past loves with. Unrequited still. What fires could burn if lit by the fire of another, if these fires in me exist with only their occasional sparks? Can love be returned with love, or is it only in its loneliness that it burns so strong, a beacon hoping for a dim cave and dry tinder to sense it, draw it near and light it. Only so that the fire becomes removed from my own hollow, and the process begins again. Is love so much a balance that it is entirely in one and leaves the other, or not quite full in either, but never racing full in both?
What would it be like to know love within, and receive it the same? Is it possible at all?
I feel alone always. And not quite beyond numbness myself. I feel like I am searching for something in those around me. I don't know exactly what it is, or why they can't give it to me. I think it is love, but it might be far more simple than that. I haven't seen it yet, not as fully as I desire it. Not strongly enough to break me free from my shields. I want to know the unbound love of fools. Happiness and helplessness complete. I want to be intertwined with someone so fully that there life and my desire for the fullness of their life is enough to keep me alive. And I want that vigor returned. For me in them, as it is in me for them.
Could there be sparks somewhere in us
made of this violence and pixie dust?
Could there be kindling under our roof,
that catches and catches and burns us through?
Or is this just lusting
skin on skin...
favored company over fear of lost companionship?Could we burn with passion,
love with abandon
and breathe each other's left over breaths?Or is this just something,
to further my silly unrest?Alone in the night
just skin between sheets
just pillows for heads
and rest for sleep
a dark without dreams
no place to escape
a quiet lonely
a personal incomplete?I don't expect forever, just a taste. What is love?
Or desire at least...
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
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I think, for the first time in a long time, of myself. What seemed selfish, was in fact failed attempts of "selflessness" that ended up turning into jumping off the deep end of indulgence.
I think for the first time, in a long time, about respect. For myself. For my friends. For my loves.
And I step down from this pedestal. These pedestals.
It's time to remember the truths that started this. Not the shit that fucked it up.
Saturday, 08 January 2011
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Oh, new year. Um. We seem to be suffering from some complications.
What I learned from my attempt at a breast reduction surgery this morning? --I'm not pregnant! --Um. Which the nurse thought was, REALLY GOOD. The surgery itself. DID NOT happen.As I was IMMENSELY excited about this for the past year, I have had to answer a lot of "How are you doing?"s today with a far longer explanation than I have the emotional and mental compactly to answer right now.
It was my own choice though. A doubt, is enough to stop you. Just one little doubt.
Um.
But will I regret missing out on this for the rest of my life...? Will I get the chance to do it again...?
Today just wasn't the day ...
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
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An almost good bye to 2010.
There is something different about today,
the way the world turned was a bit more forced.
I couldn't look at you the same. Where has all your glitter gone?I found my feet, settled softly on the snow.
There were paw prints leading away... good bye friend...I'm not here for the right reasons, or the wrong. I'm just here, trying to move, and move on. My life is a "clusterfuck" as some would say. A quick movement to insanity... a cry to be saved. Its almost the end of another year, and my journey has just begun. Its a reminder that this markers aren't as "sensible" as they might seem to some. I will carry on with whatever pieces I am left with, once the dust settles and sky falls. Because time isn't really about seconds or minutes or years, at all.
Still what I have learned, is how important learning is. Take a deep breath and remember ... if it hurts, let it be something of interest. If the stove burns you ... don't touch it, or turn the heat down at least. If you trip on your own feet, slow down, be deliberate or its the pavement that your hard work will meet.
It's possible to be motivated. Just work like you have nothing to loose. Put your heart back into your head. And It.
LOVE. LIVE. LEARN.
And remember... you.
And this.
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
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the curiosities of just breathing
the gravity of the situation is really, far less important than we are making it out to be.
stop putting yourself under the heat lamps if you don't want to get burnt, warm, sweaty, or toasted.I've been trying for a while now, to catch you off guard, been waiting for your head to tilt slowly
in a direction that indicates your thoughts are less careful and that they may have begun feeling around the edges of the path
instead of walking--straight--down--the middle. I want to ask you then, what you are thinking.
Because I want to know what you are really thinking.
Not what your skin, or your eyes, or your hands are thinking.
I want to know what you are thinking, you heart, your mind, your soul...the things
that give a sense of you better than, such superficial pleasures or discourses of the other five senses.but really the gravity, here, is closer to that of the moon, that the pressures of the earth.
so lets not worry about thinking at all. maybe things will find themselves then.
Monday, 13 December 2010
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What happens when you wake up from this?
Exhaustion is the glue that is holding me together,
like the last of the peanut putter
scrapped across the jar in
serrated mountains
from careless knives and late nights.And now, only dirty fingers
or maybe a small spatula with soft corners
can reach the last of the
nutrient filled goo
before the emptied, but not really empty
jar, meets the soggy--already too full, garbage can.I'll melt for you, like sunday mornings
sammiches. Fried bread, hot bananas.
Covered in chocolate, like the most delectable, kind of
carnaval food.You're all the memories, you were never part of
gift wrapped and sent back to the sender,
some kind of reminder of the cold, snow, days
spent blanketed into soft sheets, arms and warm feet.Exhaustion is the glue that is holding me together,
gathered at the edges like a poor excuse for a final project
for a senior in college, who won't graduate on time.
(maybe this really is the best I can do.)Like a poor excuse for the mistakes i've made
and the dirt i've kicked in all the wrong faces.
It's not today, and not tomorrow, but soon
sleep will fade in to every inch of my hollowed out
pumpkin shell.
That's rotted just a little at the edges.
Gotten a little softer at the walls than when you first set 'em out on the porch.I am something you loved. But when you get drunk,
sometimes you just grab the wrong thing and throw it away.
And being drunk is kind of like being dead tired ... and no where near done yet.
I'm giving up, because it is easier.
And easier is all I can do right now.
Take the hit. Give all you've got in the places
that will still take it, and --just take the hit
where the damage is already done.This glue is the thing that links us all together.
Like mud and a bed in a room, where too many faces
I would have come to recognize had I been a fly on those walls.She doesn't appreciate my hands
or really understand the softness of my skin.
She doesn't fit in, around, or next to me--Like you
my darling, puzzle piece.You already inhaled the turpentine
covered yourself in paint with me.
Thought that I was beautiful, all shades of oil based
pleasantries. That just didn't find the canvas to be a suitable friend
compared to the more fleeting glory of staining skin.
Like blood I've bled.
Like skin that's marked, like tallies for the days I'd fight
myself for some kind of happiness.
(and if not here, how can you love me?)
There were days where I locked the doors to hurt myself
but not any more, it's easier to call a DD, and pay for it
With fifty other laughing buffoons with the same useless
excuse, as me.
And anyways, those monkeys, make it better,
make me realize--there is always, someone, worse off
than me.More exhausted than me.
Making one more mistake, than me.
With me.It's this exhaustion that's holding me together, so what then...
will I see, once I sleep?
Friday, 03 December 2010
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My dear friend. There are too many broken hearts here.
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- Name: Lolita
- Location: United States
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 2/2/2006
